Are you guilty of self-sabotage sometimes? This short excerpt from “Forgive To Win!” by Walter E Jacobson, MD will give you some valuable food for thought!

 

“Although most of us aren’t aware that we are self-loathing, and would deny it if accused of it by others, the bottom line is this: If we aren’t getting the life we want, we’re sabotaging ourselves. And if we’re sabotaging ourselves, it’s because, despite appearances, despite the fact that we may value and admire ourselves in any number of ways, we are self-loathing.

 

Our self-loathing stems from extremely harsh, shaming, condemning and guilt-generating labels about ourselves that are deeply-embedded in our unconscious mind, which whisper incessantly to us (at an unconscious level) that we are unworthy, undeserving, unlovable, bad, stupid, thoughtless, unkind, unloving, selfish, greedy, sinful, and guilty, deserving of punishment (not reward), hell, (not heaven), and eternal pain and suffering (not relief and deliverance).

 

Where do the guilt, shame, and self-condemnations come from? There are several possibilities. Maybe they are the result of shame, guilt, and low self-esteem messages (verbal and non-verbal) communicated to us by our parents, other caregivers, our instructors, our siblings, and our peers, intentionally or otherwise, when we were very young.

 

Unfortunately, our parents, in particular, are the prime movers of much of our shame, guilt and self-condemnations, not because our parents were evil and hurtful people, but because they didn’t know any better.

 

Most parents simply don’t know how to be effective parents and not scar their children.

Most parents have poor communication skills and are not in touch with their emotions and unconscious motivations, such that they unintentionally end up repeating the same dysfunctional behaviors that they were exposed to as children.

 

Here’s an example: When a small child shows a parent a drawing he’s done, and the parent dismisses the child, too busy working or watching TV to take the time to look at the drawing, it is shameful and demeaning to the child, and it sends the child the message that he or she isn’t really all that special or important to the parent, despite this not being the case and despite all the nurturing things the parent has done for the child in the past.

    

When the parent does something thoughtless and shaming like this, and doesn’t repair it with an apology and appropriate attention, the child’s self-esteem is damaged. This is called an empathic break occurring during the child’s identity formation.

    

As these empathic breaks repeat themselves over time and aren’t repaired, the child eventually puts two and two together and comes up with six: “I must not be good enough. I must be stupid. I must be a nuisance. I must have done something bad or wrong. I must not be loveable. I must deserve them ignoring me and treating me so badly.”

    

It all happens at an unconscious, non-verbal level. The child’s mind doesn’t have the capacity to adequately evaluate the situation. The child can’t appreciate that perhaps the parent’s behavior has nothing to do with them, that perhaps the parent is distracted and unreceptive due to being tired, anxious, or frustrated, and is taking it out on him (or her) inappropriately.

     

Instead, the child assumes the worst about himself. The child assumes that the parent isn’t the one with the problem, but rather that he is.

    

Over time, the shame, guilt and negative self-perceptions build and grow until the child’s dysfunctional personality and low self-esteem have been firmly established, regardless of how accomplished and confident the child might appear to be.

    

Eventually, the child becomes an adult with guilt, shame, and self-loathing neuroses at the core of his identity, and with a subconscious mind dedicated to sabotage and self-destruction in one or more areas of his life.

    

That being said, perhaps our guilt, shame, and self-loathing have nothing to do with early childhood development. Perhaps they have to do with poor choices we’ve made in the past as adolescents or adults, which have been hurtful, abusive and unloving towards others, and have left us with bad feelings about ourselves and a core belief that we deserve to be punished rather than rewarded.

    

Perhaps the guilt, shame and self-loathing have to do with poor choices we’ve made in past lives, our karma catching up to us, leaving us with core feelings of unworthiness and self-recriminations that we’re not even remotely aware of.

    

Perhaps the guilt, shame and self-loathing have to do with genetic memories locked in our DNA and RNA from our ancestors that got neuro-chemically integrated into our personality and our sense of self.

    

Perhaps our guilt, shame and self-loathing have to do with the unconscious belief that we have sinned against God and that He will punish us with eternal damnation.

    

Perhaps it’s all of the above. Perhaps it’s none of the above.

    

Fortunately, it doesn’t matter why we loathe ourselves or how it started. What matters is that we stop it because it is generating self-sabotaging behaviors that are keeping us from the life we want.”

 

You can order “Forgive To Win” at http://forgivetowin.homestead.com